Final words from 17

[Disclaimer: This article was written when I was 17. It represents where I come from, but opinions mentioned may no longer be representative of my current situation. My motivations for sharing this are to remember how far I’ve come, show the world that I’ve been working on things for a long time and have meaningful experience outside of academia, and showcase my determination for success.

Some details have been removed or changed for privacy reasons.

Dear Alex,

It's nice to see you again.

It's been a hell of a year.

It has become sort of a tradition of mine to write to myself and the universe at the end of each year and the passing of a new birthday. Of course, this year is supposedly extra-special, as in the eyes of society you finally become a legal adult fully responsible for yourself. There's some big things for you to look forward to and do this coming year, so I wanted to share some of my thoughts and wisdom with you that I have gained over the past 18 years of my life on this earth.

Being 17 has been fun, it's been a learning experience. I am grateful for my time as myself. Now, my advice, in no particular order:

Words of wisdom

“Never be cruel, never be cowardly.” - The Doctor.

Ah, Doctor Who. The show that shaped my life. Some of my earliest memories come from watching this show, and it’s remarkable how much it has influenced my life. My humour, my values, my dreams, even perhaps my fashion sense have been influenced by this wonderful programme.

Every year I find myself coming back to the Doctor’s regeneration speeches. My favourite is undoubtedly that of Peter Capaldi. Steven Moffat has some great words of wisdom to share in this speech, and these are the ones that touch me the most.

“Never be cruel, never be cowardly”, “Hate is always foolish, and love is always wise.”, “Always try to be nice, but never fail to be kind”, “Laugh hard. Run fast. Be kind.”

What wonderful advice. I try my best to embody these words everyday now, they touch me. Another message that I like a lot is one I heard first on The Art of Manliness podcast:

“Help people with the courage to face ingratitude”. That is to say, it is only natural for us to help people and expect praise or some gift in return. We must put ourselves beyond these emotions, and help others with the expectation that they may not thank us, in fact they may even scold us. We should not merely do things because we expect thanks and a peck on the cheek, an opportunity, or money, but we should do things because they are our duty. Because they are right.

“What good is speed if the brain has oozed out along the way?” - St. Jerome

Haste makes waste. Remember that. Or, as the italian proverb goes, “La gatta frettolosa ha fatto i figli ciechi- the cat in a hurry gave birth to blind kittens”. It is true. Haastige spoed is zelden goed. Speed causes mistakes. If you’re in a hurry, a variety of issues will likely emerge.

Imagine a house. If you build it in a rush, without sufficient preparation and on the cheap, problems arise quickly. The laminate flooring is poor quality and chips easily, the walls are wonky, the roof leaks, the wiring is a fire hazard. Slow down. One of Robert Greene’s “48 Laws of Power”: “Always say less than necessary”. “Better to trip with the feet than with the tongue.” - Zeno.

Sloppy use of language as a result of not thinking about your next sentence only causes breakdowns in communication and misunderstandings. Always think before you speak, say less than required and try your best not to overthink things. You have a real problem with the latter in particular, Alex.

“Take the long way home” - Roger Hodgson

One of a few songs I’d like to focus on this year is this one by Supertramp. On perhaps one of my favourite albums of the year, this song really touched me. I first discovered it in April of 2023 whilst cycling to the gym at 5 in the morning. After a long, cold winter-albeit a pretty good one, as far as things go- the spring mornings and gentle breeze filled my heart with warmth and passion. That’s when I decided to start heading to the gym again, and bought a membership. It was on my quest for new music that I played “Breakfast in America”, and from the very first time “Take the long way home” played, I loved it. Never before had I related and understood a song so perfectly from the beginning, despite any metaphors.

The story of a man who thinks he’s so wonderful but really just seems a failure to everybody else hit me. He takes a trip to the city lights for freedom, for a new perspective, for a pretty view. It reminds me of the times I go up to the top of the house to watch the sunset, or cycle first thing in the morning or during the night to go and watch the lights over London. When I cycle in the cold air on an empty street I truly feel alive.

Taking the long way home is not about failure, it is about the journey to success. One must endeavour to take the long way home to discover themselves, to grow up, to learn new things, to meet new people. That is all I want to do. Chase life. Take the long way home.

“Wie goed doet, goed ontmoet.” (Who does well, meets well)

You only get what you give in this world. Every action has an equal and opposite reaction. Be kind, because you never know when your kindness may be reciprocated. Treat others how you would like to be treated. Doing good things for people, even strangers, and for the world goes an awfully long way.

Always leave things a little better than how you found them.

Even if it’s a hassle to you, why not do the world a favour and leave things better than how you found them? At the very least, it should be expected that one always leaves things in the same state as how they found them, but why not better? Imagine if everybody not only cleaned up after themselves, but also cleaned up other people’s mess? There would be no mess to clean up! So start somewhere, be that person. You will “meet well”.

Remember that the past does not equal the future. The day can always get better; and worse.

Don’t take a good day for granted, but don’t waste your time bearing on the events of a bad one. Fleetwood Mac say: “Don’t stop thinking about tomorrow”, but in my eyes, tomorrow is too late. Even if your day is going badly, breathe, calm your mind and reorder your thoughts. There is nothing worse than ending a day feeling like you have made zero progress, feeling like you’ve wasted your hours or failed somehow. Venture to never go to sleep without doing at least one thing that pushes the bar forward a little, makes you happy, or at least regains lost ground from the day- if it was particularly bad.

“Más vale pájaro en mano, que cien volando.” (Better to have one bird in your hand than one-hundred flying)

“Never let your quest for more distract you from the beauty of enough.” - Sahil Bloom

Sometimes when you’re out there chasing your dreams it is easy to forget to appreciate what you already have. Stop and sit for a while sometimes, be humble, be grateful. The world will thank you, and you’ll thank yourself. Don’t flaunt what you have, for it could be taken from you at any moment. Give to charities and volunteer for causes that align with your values and passions. Don’t brag about these things, do them because you love doing them, because they are the right thing to do. Never share your achievements to impress others or gain influence. You cannot control other people’s opinions of you, and you shouldn’t try to. Be the best version of yourself, and good will follow. “Wie goed doet, goed ontmoet”.

It’s better to have one bird in your hand than one-hundred flying. Keep your friends close, hone in on the skills that you have now. What use are 100 birds in the sky? The cards you can play are the ones you are dealt. Cherish them, and use them well.

“It pays to keep an open mind, but not so open your brains fall out” - Carl Sagan

The initial title for this section was “Always have an open mind”, but I saw this quote and rather liked it. Remember to keep an open mind in your day to day, it’s key to learning new things, adapting to changes in the world, problem solving, and as a result, building resilience.

Having an open mind exposes us to new ideas, new ways of life, and allows us to become better listeners and communicators. Nevertheless, take everything with a pinch of salt until you can closely measure and examine its properties critically. Don’t believe everything you see on the news or the internet, and take your time. La gatta frettolosa ha fatto i figli ciechi. Haste leaves room for error, misjudgement and gullibility.

“Every cloud must have a silver lining. Wait until the sun shines through” - George A. Norton

Of course, the words to “My Melancholy Baby” that I discovered listening to Chas n’ Dave have more than entertainment value. Remember that everything happens for a reason, and all's well that ends well. Whatever the situation, however bad, there is always a silver-lining, always a lesson to be learnt or a gift to be received. Think of Los Días Raros - Vetusta Morla “Quien iba a decir, que sin carbón no hay reyes magos?” (Who would have thought that without coal, there can be no wise men?) Without bad there can be no good.

Call it spring cleaning.

I personally always thought that Spring and Autumn are the best seasons, but they cannot truly be appreciated without the long, hot summers or the cold, lonely winters. Cherish every moment, bad and good. Everything happens for a reason, embrace the passage of time, it will imprison you and let you drive yourself mental, tear yourself to shreds from the inside outward if you don’t.

Do your best to remember that you’re not the centre of the universe.

It’s very easy to forget that other people have lives, families, problems, passions, hopes, dreams, memories and fears too. All the more reason to be kind to them. But always endeavour to remember that you’re not the centre of the universe. Put yourself in other people’s shoes every once in a while.

Just because something affects you doesn’t mean that it is anybody else’s business to care about it. There should be no expectation that you will receive help from anybody, your problems are yours and thus should be dealt with personally. Don’t moan about them, do something about them. Wallowing in self-pity never got you anywhere, and “Einstein didn’t develop the theory of relativity multitasking in the Swiss patent office”.

The same goes for times when you should be humble. It’s okay to be proud of an achievement, but don’t go on about it, you’ll only make others jealous,- or worse- resentful. People always want what they don’t have, and envy is a powerful force that can cause people to turn against you. Remember this, and be respectful of others. Your achievements are valuable, and you may well feel like the main-character walking down the street grooving along to Stayin’ Alive, but just around the corner there is somebody else feeling the same way. The world doesn’t revolve around you, the least you can do is your best to help others and be a good person.

Time is the greatest teacher.

From “Moments of Madness”, The Laws of Human Nature - Robert Greene:

“At the base of a mountain in a thick forest, we have no ability to get our bearings or to map out our surroundings. We see only what is before our eyes. If we begin to move up the side of the mountain, we can see more of our surroundings and how they start to relate to other parts of the landscape. The higher we go, the more we realise that what we saw below was not quite accurate- was based on a slightly distorted perspective.

At the top of the mountain we have a clear panoramic view of the scene and perfect clarity as to the lay of the land.”

Everything always seems so clear in hindsight, but of course that is impossible to grasp when you’re in the heat of a moment. Whenever emotional- be it good or bad- remember to take a step back and breathe for a moment. Consider many perspectives and force yourself to look at the overall context of events to give yourself the best clarity possible without the immediate passage of time. Don’t wish your life away. Act for the best results in the present, and don’t fret when the teacher of time allows you to discover that you were wrong all along. It’s from mistakes like these that we grow the most.

Master time management - always do what is best.

At any given moment, you are doing what you most want to be doing. Only you have the power to change your actions. Even if you’re placed into a forced-labour camp, you don’t actually have to work. That is to say, manage your time well: keep a calendar, and a to-do list to clear your mind. It’s okay to schedule times to eat and be social if you need. Having a clear mind is key to being successful, and managing your time well is the first step to that.

I don’t have a current philosophy as to how best to manage your time or how to decide what is best for you, it changes all of the time. At any stage, figure out your thing. That said, I combined two quotes penned by Dad and Eva into one: “Never do what you’re told, question authority and systems. Never do what you don’t want to do”. We can only innovate by trying new things, always question the status quo, and don’t be afraid to not do something if it goes against your values. Only you control your actions. If you find something isn’t broken, don’t fix it, but always try to make systems more efficient.

What will my tombstone say?

A good way to embrace these ideas is to consider your future obituary. Life is your epitaph. What will you be remembered for? What will your tombstone say? Ask yourself this regularly, and whenever you feel lost. Are you really becoming the person that you want to be? What can you do to change your outcomes? Are you a good, moral person that does his duty and acts not purely on emotion but logic, reason and for the benefit of others, for what is right?

And remember, do not envy others for their apparent advantages- be them talents or strength or money. Play with the cards you have been dealt. Some may have more, but “alla fine del gioco, re e pedone finiscono nella stessa scatola” (at the end of the game, the king and the pawn go back into the same box).

If you’re not happy with your tombstone, change it. Leave a legacy. The past cannot be changed, only the future. Write your epitaph well while you can, before it’s set in stone.

Meten is weten. (To measure is to know)

I see Wisse embody this Dutch saying. He is obsessed with measuring everything. Tracking his mood, his weight, his skin temperature, his sleep, the amount of water he drinks. I must admit, this has rubbed off onto me.

Only by measuring things can we become aware of their true impact on us, whether it’s our health or finances or performance at school. And only by becoming aware of these factors can we understand them and work to change them. Throughout your life, measure things, and act on that data. It won’t lie to you, even if you’re lying to yourself.

Develop systems.

“Goals are for people who care about winning once. Systems are for people who care about winning repeatedly.” - James Clear

“Find the beauty and joy in your daily rituals and you will find beauty and joy in your daily life. To love your habits is to love your days, and to love your days is to love your life.”

Den som köper det han inte behöver stjäl från sig själv. (He who buys what he does not need steals from himself)

Tener piano no te hace pianista. (To have a piano doesn’t make you a pianist).

Don’t focus all of your efforts on gaining material assets. It’s okay to do this sometimes, but always ask yourself whether you truly need something. Think of the trade-off that buying that new jacket will lead to in travel terms. One less day of adventure? There is always opportunity cost.

Use the Japanese minimalism principle:

“Does this item bring me joy?” Or, at the very least, is it of regular and efficient use to me? If not, consider your choices.

Learn or earn.

“At every job you should either learn or earn. Either are fine. Both are best. But if it’s neither, quit.” - Garry Tan.

Don’t waste your time working in a place where you aren’t earning any money to do what you want, don’t have enough time or aren’t learning so that you can go and start your own venture elsewhere.

Accept that in your quest for more, working a 9-5 in a company is probably okay sometimes, providing that you’re learning how the economies of scale and business structures work, or earning such a substantial amount of money that it doesn’t matter. Try not to think about the money though, your time on earth is worth much more. Do what you love, chase your dreams, have adventures.

Always take the stairs.

Sleep, diet and exercise are the cornerstones of any healthy body. Socrates said that “No man has the right to be an amateur in the matter of physical training. It is a shame for a man to grow old without seeing the beauty and strength of which his body is capable.”

Basic stuff. Follow the science. I pray that you will live a long life, so what we know about the body and what is good for it will likely drastically change throughout your life. Accept this, and follow what is currently deemed to be right. Always take the stairs, you can thank me later.

Socialise.

Even when you’re working, take some time to socialise with people. Be an extravert, talk to strangers- you never know who you might be speaking to or what doors you might be able to open in a 5 minute conversation.

Try to find at least one person to spend your life with. “L'union fait la force” (Union makes strength) - National Motto of Belgium. Find someone that you can love and care for, someone to dedicate yourself to.

Don’t forget about your friends. They’re busy too. Initiate the conversation, make the plans, be the driver of the group. People are often too scared to be the first to speak, but that just ends in deadlock. 99% of the time, somebody is thinking or feeling the exact same thing as you.

Have a laugh, no need to be so serious all of the time.

—

Funnily enough, it’s pure coincidence that that came out to be 18 pieces of wisdom. I could probably think of more, but I think that there are 18 solid states of mind to put into action there. Many seem to interlace with each other. I hope that you will continue to find use in these pieces of wisdom over time.

This year’s stories.

Now onto the next section of this letter, the rundown on the past year of my life. Consider this a draft for my 2023 review.

Rotterdam

We begin the year in Rotterdam, my first trip away at age 17, and the first time that Wisse, Hidde and I met in real life. I took some gifts, had a lovely night with Dad in Ghent beforehand, and just clicked from the moment we met. Over the past few years, the boys have become such an important and wonderful part of my life, particularly Wisse.

So much so, that when the time came to leave, I was very upset. Our time together was good though, we secured a long-term friendship and saw some lovely things. Their whole family and connections are incredible people. I can’t wait to go back and visit soon.

Surviving Winter

With fears and the awareness of my now seemingly annual melancholy attitude during the winters, I managed to dodge the seasonal depression this time around. Well done! Hopefully you can build on this progress this year. Some of the best things I did were to socialise as much as possible, and ensure that events and meetups are organised with friends. Don’t dodge them, even when you feel like you don’t want to go.

Write things, keep a diary. It really helps to log the time, and look back on the good (and bad times).

Keep a to-do list and occupy yourself. Boredom is good for you sometimes, but in those moments, look at what you can do to better yourself. Play the piano, write a song, draw, do gymnastics, workout.

Benelux

In February half term we went on a lovely 5 day trip to Belgium and the Netherlands. I really love that part of the world, and I felt so at home. I also spent a day with Hidde and Wisse, which is always lovely. We had food at a very posh restaurant after telling Hidde: “Nothing too posh mate, there’s kids!” but it was alright!

I practised my French and Dutch, and we had a lovely meal with Eric. I remember talking about life with him over dinner, and it opened my eyes to a few shortfalls and times where I sounded like an idiot. One quote I remember in particular: “You should have more fun and do more with your life, go smoke a joint or something!”

Spring

Feeling good, getting back on track

Spring 2023 came around so quickly! I can’t believe that it’s October already, because I was complaining in April how fast the year had flown by!

Around late March I started finally implementing some self-improvement into my life again, and working on multiple projects. I started going to the gym, which, while it only lasted for about two months of consistency, taught me alot about working out and I thoroughly enjoyed each morning cycling to the gym in the sun, listening to music.

I played more and more piano, and wrote a few songs. Moving into the summer, I was writing a song every night for a while.

I put a lot of focus onto my schedule and although my grades at school weren’t totally what I’d hoped for, learning in spring really improved my ability to focus and work now. My motivation is high, and I hope to carry this through the winter and spring to ensure that I can absolutely smash my A-Levels. You’ve got a lot of work to do, but I believe in you. Good luck mate.

Wisse in the UK

In May, Wisse came to the UK. We did a lot of things, so many that I can’t count. Look back through your pictures. What I wanted to highlight is that feeling of watching somebody you love leave for an undefined period of time. That really hurts, and it’s a feeling that I’ve had to feel multiple times this year. I reckon it might become a repetitive theme throughout your life, so brace yourself.

Summer

Spain

Spain was a wonderful holiday. It was Ben and I’s first time away alone, and we had some really good times, made a few friends and learnt a lot about life. We went to the No Sin Música festival in Cádiz, and stopped in Sevilla on the way back. Bloody hell was it hot! Ben and I ended up sleeping on a bench in the corner of some nasty park on the outskirts of the city. I wish I had kept a comprehensive diary. At least there’s pictures. Look at them every once in a while!

Korea

I don’t even know where to begin with this one. Controlled adventure, good fun. I learnt a remarkable amount about myself and the world, and I’m proud to be able to say that I’m confident in my ability to be resilient. Morale in the group was high. I spent the first day or two wandering around the campsite talking to others and mixing with multiple groups.

The main people that I still talk to are the Colombians, the Swedes and the Italians. Future Alex, do you still speak to them? Have you visited any of them yet?

Italy

After a long week alone, it was so lovely to see my family in Rome again. At the airport Wisse surprised me as my “taxi driver”. That was probably the nicest thing anybody has ever done for me, given the circumstances. Rome was such a gift. Belle, Wisse and I had a really great time exploring the city together, and I cannot get it across how nice it was to be back with everybody again after a month of seldom speaking. Thanks all.

Wrapping up

Before I go, there are some people that I need to thank for being a part of my life this year. With so many wonderful people, many I have met this year, it’s important to recognise their role in shaping my life.

So, in no particular order:

[Lots of names removed for privacy reasons.]

It is impossible to describe the impact of each person on my life this year, but even the smallest things like Brooke and George inviting me over when I was home alone to find some community, Joséphines casual chats with me, Sophie’s alternative wisdom or Inari telling me goodnight have had the greatest impact on me. Compound interest makes for a happy life. I am eternally grateful for all of these people, whatever relation I have with them. Thank you all.

Also, please check your vision board and keep updating it. Remember to chase your dreams.

Well, I hope that you’ve enjoyed this special letter Alex, it’s been a joy to write for you. Craft your own path, have your own adventures, and always do your best to do what is right. I know I struggle with these thoughts regularly, I imagine you will too, throughout your life. This letter is here for you. With a little hard work and preparation, you can achieve anything. The world is truly your oyster.

“One day your life will flash before your eyes. Make sure it’s worth watching.” - Gerard Way

Laugh hard. Run fast. Be kind. Take the long way home.

Godspeed, Alex, and I’ll see you in the morning.